The Unholy Realm of Office Restrooms

The problem with corporate restrooms is obvious. Volume of usage. There are seven floors in this building, each with it's own, two stall petri dish of ungodliness. Sure they provide the paper seat covers but I am skeptical as to their ability to block the filthiness of another's A. I mean I hardly even talk to anyone in this building so I feel like I shouldn't have to share the same seat with anyone.
Some of these people weigh, and this is only am observational estimate, as much as a yearling orca. And moving that much mass would natural produce kinetic energy. And that causes the human body to perspire. I am, as I sit down on that tissue paper, practically wading in the butt sweat of a baby orca wearing a tie. No one should have to deal with that. It's like saying to a guy as you walk into a tiny, humid space, "Hey, uh, sir? Would you mind swapping underwear with me for a minute?"
Wrong. That's all I can say about it. Unquestionably wrong.

Occasionally there is nothing you can do to anticipate the TA or Time of Arrival. However, there are steps which can be taken to help sharpen the precision of the ETA (Estimated Time of Arrival). Most of these are easy and practical, but often unpleasant. Prunes and Metemucil are the obvious answers to the "regularity" problem but they often force you to either walk into the store and purchase these items for yourself, or require the use of a buyer. This could be a wife, younger sibling, or a clueless co-worker . You do not, I repeat, DO NOT want to be seen purchasing these items because they are like purchasing adult diapers. But, of course, that is not as bad as sitting on a corporate toilet.

If you have grossly underestimated the ETA for yourself you will immediately enter a countdown which ultimately ends in tragedy, unless time is on your side or you have a very strong power of will.

In the event that you are at a ZTL, or Zero Tolerance Level, there are some steps that need to have been taken prior the actual ZTL. This will ensure that you can remain free from the taint of the bathroom.

Step 1. Reconnaissance: locate and track the bathroom with the lowest amount of usage and stake a claim.
This step requires covert operations and meticulous planning. The goal is to locate either a blueprint of your workplace or develop one yourself. It would also be very helpful to procure a employee density report for each floor of your building. That way you can pinpoint the potentially least used restroom.
The ideal is to locate a very obscure bathroom. This is where the floor blueprint will come in handy. If it is not possible to obtain a blue print, simply wander your floor or building to locate a bathroom which is unknown or generally unnoticed.

Step 2. Off-site Operations: Survey the surrounding area of your building and locate a low usage restroom.
A practical way to avoid corporate bathrooms is to seek out an alternative restroom. But please keep in mind the deterioration of potential distance traveled as the time to your ZTL draws closer. For example: you cannot go to your preferred back up bathroom if the distance to it exceeds the time you have until you are at a ZTL.

Step 3. Staking a Claim: Doing Whatever it Takes.
If you have the unfortunate plight of working in a building which is essentially cut off from other options, you must take steps to ensure your sanitary needs are met. This step requires cunning and, some say, a certain amount of subterfuge. Because it is unlikely that you have found a lox usage restroom you must create your own. Simply go to a local janitorial supply store and purchase an "Out-of Order" Sign. Simply set it outside the stall of your choice and you have claimed your territory. A word of caution: be sure you do not overuse your sign, as this may raise suspicion. Rotate stalls and floors to ensure you remain under the radar.


In conclusion: stay sharp, stay creative and above all, stay away from corporate bathrooms.

It starts with a neck tie. Actually, it started long before the neck tie.

It probably had something to do with a steep decline of interest in my education, which was followed by a dive into lack of interest in anything at all. I didn’t start the new semester, I quit my job at the school newspaper and I started playing video games. I got really good at Call of Duty 4.

And all was well until one morning, while I was still in bed, I woke up at eleven o’clock and began staring at the ceiling. Don’t worry, there was no revelation of purpose or unifying of body and spirit to inspire me to a higher plane of existence. I actually just felt pretty shitty, you know, as a human being. So I called my brother in law, who works in a corporate office. I was ready to do pretty much anything really. I had even resigned myself to the point of working in a call center.

“Hey buddy,” he says. He’s a really nice person.

“Yeah, hey man. My dad was telling me you could maybe get me a job where you work. Do you think you could?”

“Well I could make a call but it’ll probably be a job in the call center. That’s where I started and it’s not too bad. You can move up pretty quick. Do you want me to call and find out?”

He’s been working here for almost five years. Pretty quick? Five years? But I didn’t care. I just needed something to do.

“Yeah, sure man, I mean thanks. I just need something to do,” I told him.

“Well let me find out and I’ll call you back.”

My Brother-in-Law called me back and said there was a job opening in his department. I interviewed waited about two weeks and got the job. So here I am, after a week and a half of sharing a desk with a guy, at my own desk. Waiting for a dude to come install some RAM on my dinosaur computer. I wish I was back in school.